Lessons from the Orthodontist's Chair

It’s a little-known fact: There is a wealth of wisdom and knowledge to be obtained from orthodontia. It’s amazing what can be gained from a year or so of having a truckload of metal in your mouth, although the discomfort it causes often eclipses these advantages. So, if you have or have had braces, don’t despair: you’re better for it (beyond having straight teeth), even though you may not feel like it.

Perhaps the most notable thing that one takes away from his orthodontic experiences is the vague but firm conviction that at one point in his life, he was abducted by aliens. It seems that the sum total of one’s experiences in that reclining chair are enough to compose a recovered memory of being probed by extra-terrestrials. In fact, I’ve known people who are firmly convinced that orthodontists are not of this world. Instead, they believe, orthodontists are aliens sent to study our fair planet in an attempt to gather information that can be used in a future invasion.

There is a disturbing amount of evidence to support them. For instance, when I walked into the orthodontist’s office today, it struck me that I had never seen any of the assistants, or the orthodontist, outside of the office. In fact, I’ve rarely seen even the head orthodontist without one of those masks over his face. Could they be hiding their identity?

As you sit in those chairs where the blood rushes to your head, you get the distinct feeling that something more than orthodontia is going on. They turn you upside down, shine a bright light in your eyes, poke and prod you with various sharp metallic instruments, and I’m POSITIVE that that was a raygun they stuck into my mouth. Now, the raygun comes right after they apply what they call “brackets” to your teeth. Any logical person can see that these “brackets” have a more sophisticated purpose than aligning your teeth, however. Did you ever notice how important it is that you get a bracket reattached when it pops off? Seems sorta fishy to me… And how about the way they seem to react with aluminum foil? It’s obvious that these “brackets” are really homing beacons, or probes that analyze our dietary information and send it back to the mothership. With the kind of information they’re gathering, our planetary security is at stake!

Conspiracy theories aside, there are many practical things that one can take away from a year or two of orthodontia (I’ve had 4+ years, myself). For instance, did you realize that if you close your eyes and tug hard enough on your *right* cheek, it opens your *left* eye? Or did you know that if you pull your lips to the side for an extended period of time, your nose will rotate 90 degrees and go numb? Yes, orthodontia teaches you many wonderful things about human facial anatomy, and the more time you have braces, the more you learn.

If you listen carefully, you can even learn how to call your individual teeth by their correct names. I’m not just talking about that silly little “incisor-bicuspid-molar” stuff; I'm talking about the number-names! For example, I had root canals on teeth 7, 8, and 9 after they got knocked out. This knowledge of teeth, when put into practice, is a real crowd-pleaser. You can dazzle your friends with your ability to name your teeth, and soon you will have everyone in the party climbing over each other, just to point to one of their teeth and ask you “What’s this one’s number?” However, this is quite a responsibility, and I don’t recommend you flaunt this skill if you don’t feel you can handle the pressure.

Also with braces, you gain an appreciation for the simple things in life. You begin to appreciate things like corn-on-the-cob, eating an apple whole, and chomping down on those un-popped popcorn kernels. Things like chewing gum, jawbreakers, and Tootsie Rolls all take on a new significance, as you begin to long for what you cannot have (regardless of whether or not you actually like it). Yes, you learn to appreciate the little things. Suddenly, something like sleeping without a retainer or those creepy rubber bands becomes a prospect which, in and of itself, is sufficient reason to work towards getting your braces off.

You even learn to appreciate such a simple thing as eating in public without being worried about whatever remnants of that pizza may be stuck in your braces. Maybe I’m wrong, but I think that’s a fear that torments all orthodontic patients. As a matter of fact, the only advantage of eating with braces is that you can be assured that you have saved some food for later (probably a less than convenient time).

Having braces, you also learn to appreciate your personal space. That’s right, no more random strangers sticking their hands into your mouth every month or two; no more parents opening your mouth and tilting your head at an awkward angle to show off your orthodontic work. All you have to worry about are those dentists, who won't be leaving any of their metal in your mouth when they get done. Believe me, that feeling is much more wonderful to those of us who have had braces, and the longer you’ve had them the more you appreciate it when you get them off.

Some other things you learn with braces:

The value of a good toothbrush.

The value of Tylenol when you’ve just had your braces tightened.

Your lips will stretch farther than you ever imagined.

Even though it feels like chomping down on something will help… it won’t.

Super glue isn’t good for reattaching brackets that pop off.

Hot glue isn’t either.

It’s never a good idea to sleep with your cheek or lip mashed up against something.

Wax is your best friend.

When your hands aren’t free, your braces can be used to scratch that itch on your arm.

You can actually make music by plucking the rubber bands they make you wear between meals.

Your friends aren’t impressed by this.

Braces serve as a good defense; no one will ever punch you in the mouth twice…

Never smile in a thunderstorm.

Never smile when someone’s taking flash pictures.

Never smile while you’re lying face-down on the couch or something that was knitted.

If you do, then don’t try to yank the fabric off.

Never ever EVER use a fork as a toothpick.